What's it all about: Have you heard this one?

Who knew what time it was when the first clock was made?

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a workstation.

I love bacon because I can wrap it around anything. Essentially it is the duct tape of food.

If we were not supposed to have midnight snacks, why is there a light in the fridge?

A study has found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.

When I ask for directions, please don’t use words like, “East.”

Some things are better left unsaid, which I generally realize right after I have said them.

Why is the letter W called double U? Shouldn’t it be called double V?

Intentionally losing a game of “rock, paper, scissors” is just as hard as trying to win.

Sometimes I have to tell myself it’s just not worth the jail time.

In every relationship there is one person who stacks the dishwasher like a Scandinavian architect, and one who stacks it like a racoon on crystal meth.

If you leave it to the last minute, it only takes a minute.

As a kid, did you arrange your crayons by flavor?

A good way to get out of a conversation is to take off one of your socks and hand it to the person talking.

It’s simple, if it jiggles, it’s fat.

My definition of an intellectual is someone who can listen to the “William Tell Overture” without thinking of the Lone Ranger.

At my age flowers scare me.

If you see me talking to myself, just move along – we are having a team meeting.

Panic has a nice way of keeping your mind occupied.

I did a week’s worth of cardio after walking into a spider web.

Another term for a balloon would be “bad breath holder.”

So much of America has become self-service that it just occurred to me that I haven’t actually talked to anyone in two months.

I don’t mind being forgetful. The thing I hate is feeling that I forgot something and can’t remember what it was.

Roger Dodger was the first person to appear on the TV show “People’s Court” to be sentenced to death.

The word “swims” upside-down is still “swims.”

Children: you spend the first two years of their life teaching them how to walk and talk. The next sixteen is spent telling them to sit down and shut up.

I have never seen anyone jogging and smiling, so that’s all I need to know about that.

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

A clear conscious is usually a sign of a bad memory.

Have you ever noticed that a woman’s “I’ll be ready in 5 minutes” and a man’s “I’ll be home in 5 minutes” are exactly the same?

Thank God wrinkles don’t hurt.

The show is really over when you find yourself picking your teeth out of the popcorn.

I know it all. I just can’t remember it all at once.

No one is lonely while eating spaghetti. It requires too much attention!

I play the drums badly really well.

You are not a kid anymore when you are obsessed with the thermostat.

Email your snappy one-liners to columnist David Ohl at davideohl@gmail.com.